I have been dealing with “girl bullying” with my daughters. I even went to the school, but the teacher dismissed it and stated, “Oh, she wouldn’t do that! I can’t see her saying that.” At that moment I was angry that the teacher completely dismissed my daughter’s feelings and did not believe her. I instantly felt as if it was a waste of time having a discussion with her. I reminded her bullying is not just physical, it can be a look, a whisper, one person telling a group not to talk to an individual, or rumors and exclusion.
Bullying is not always physical, it can be emotional. Girls are more known for “relational bullying” which includes exclusion, forming cliques, gossiping, spreading rumors, nasty comments, cyberbullying, out casting, sharing secrets, and backstabbing. This usually involves recruiting others to do the same. Relational bullying can often have side effects. Some effects include depression, anxiety, withdrawal from friends and family, missing school, change in behavior, suicidal ideation, PTSD, confusion, and anger.
We are halfway through the summer, and I thought I had given my daughters the tools they needed to ease the situation. I was thinking, “Haven’t we all been bullied? Haven’t we all felt not good enough, not part of the team?” I was completely wrong! Parents, times have changed! When we were bullied and left for summer break, we may have not seen our bullies until school started again in the fall. Social media has changed that for our children. The bullying does not stop during the summer, it continues through Snap Chat, Instagram, TIK TOK, and group texts. The goal is the same: excluding and out casting the victim. I have now made it a priority to monitor screen-time and the apps my children are using. I have began monitoring their phones and have discussed the dangers of social media with my children.
How can we help our daughters build resilience when they are going through this difficult time?
- Don’t overreact– It is hard for parents not to worry, but if our daughters see us worrying and reacting, they may feel as if it is their fault and that they are not living up to our expectations. We need to be strong and listen to how they are doing and feeling.
- Communicate and Listen– Be a good listener. Do not make assumptions or interrupt. After they finish talking, ask questions to let them know you were listening. Help them come up with solutions and include them in brainstorming solutions. Ask them questions like “What do you think you can say next time?” or “What do you think might work?” and “What will make you feel better?”
- Validate Anger- Your child has the right to feel angry. Make sure they know they are valuable, and find ways for them to cope and build resilience. Let them know they can expect better from a friendship.
- Seek alternatives– If the bullying is occurring at school, let your child develop friendships outside of school. Use community resources to find activities they are interested in.
- Talk to the School– Even if your child is developing new relationships outside of school you still to need to inform the school. Let your child know if you contact the school. If your child fears that contacting the school will cause more ridicule, you may want to come up with a discreet plan. Most teachers are willing to talk, and teachers can call out behavior or help deter bullying behavior. Be mindful that teachers may be in a difficult position if the bully is a star athlete or a child of a prominent community member. Even if schools have anti-bullying policies some policies may privilege some students over others. If this is the case you may need to contact the superintendent, principal, or school board.
- Allow them to figure it out– Discuss what a “good friend” is with your child. Role play how to deal with conflict. Discuss reasons why someone who is bullying is suffering. Remind them they need to treat people with respect, but they don’t need to be friends with everyone!
Sources:
Schatt, D., (2018) Relational Bullying: What Is It and What Can You do About It, JEM Foundation. https://thejemfoundation.com/relational-bullying-what-is-it-and-what-can-you-do-about-it/
Marrison, E. (2020) Teens and Screens: What Parents Should Know. Live Healthy Live Well blog, Ohio State University Extension. https://livehealthyosu.com/2020/06/25/teens-and-screens-what-parents-should-know/
Canty, J., Stubbe, M., Steers, D., Collings, S (2014) The Trouble with Bullying- Deconstructing the Conventional Definition of Bullying for a Child-Centered Investigation into Children’s Use of social media. National Children’s Bureau. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/chso.12103
Written by: Kellie Lemly MEd, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Champaign County, Lemly.2@osu.edu
Reviewed by: Jenny Lobb, Family and Consumer Sciences Education, Ohio State University Extension Franklin County
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