We all have seen or experienced a situation when a child is having a meltdown due to experiencing big emotions without the capability to identify, understand, or regulate their feelings. When a child is struggling to make these connections, it is easy for a parent to jump straight to punish, distract, lecture…anything to quiet them down and get them “back in line.” However, we first need to take a moment to connect with the child.
Researchers link the parent’s ability to connect with the child can help the child move from a reactive state (fight/flight/freeze brain) to a receptive state (logical/problem-solving brain). It is in the receptive state when a child is in a teachable moment frame of mind. In Siegel & Bryson’s (2016) book, No-Drama Discipline, “when we offer comfort when our kids are upset; when we listen to their feelings; when we communicate how much we love them even when they’ve messed up: when we respond in these ways, we significantly impact the way their brains develop and the kind of people they’ll be, both now and as they move into adolescence and adulthood.”
Connecting validates the emotion but doesn’t excuse the inappropriate behavioral reaction. It is through the steps of the RULER method that helps the child to identify and self-regulate.
Managing emotions using the power of connecting and the RULER method teaches children five skills that will increase their emotional intelligence and their ability to use their emotions to guide their thinking and actions, (Brackett & Rivers, 2014).
R – Recognizing emotionU – Understanding emotion
L- Labeling emotion
E- Expressing emotion
R- Regulating emotion
It can be difficult for adults to fully recognize, understand and label our own emotions. Children don’t have the vocabulary to use words to identify their feelings and they haven’t had enough life experience to be able to read body language or facial cues (Mincemoyer, 2016). These are learned skills where you as the parents/caregivers are the role models.
As a parent/caregiver, talking about your emotions throughout the day helps children to identify and label their emotions. For example, say, “I am feeling sad (happy, angry, excited, nervous, etc.) today because… How can you tell I am feeling sad?”
Emotions are not bad, and we do not want to discourage them from expressing their emotions, but we also must establish boundaries, social standards, and household expectations. For example, it is OK to be angry, but it is not OK to express that anger by hitting a sibling, breaking an object, etc. It is great to be excited, but it is not OK to be jumping off the furniture.
To help your child, be proactive by teaching and practicing coping and expressing skills before their emotions become overwhelming (McLean, 2020). Coping skills are a way to help your child to regain a feeling of balance, rather than being overwhelmed. Skills such as breathing techniques, mindfulness, seeking support from an adult, looking at funny pictures, laughing, or working a puzzle. Encouraging them to use their 5 senses is a great way to redirect that energy in a productive way that allows for expression and yet recognizes and validates that emotion.
It can feel hard to change our parenting style but using RULER may help you and your child better to manage emotions during a difficult time. During the upcoming week, I encourage you to first work on connecting with your child using your words and actions to help move your child into a receptive/teachable state.
Writer: Roseanne Scammahorn, Extension Educator, Family and Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University Extension, Darke County.
Reviewer: Heather Reister, Extension Educator, Family and Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University Extension, Butler County.
Live Healthy Live Well 