In the parenting world, especially during the pre-teen and teenage years, children’s emotions are running high. When they experience sensory overload, the whole world becomes overwhelming and POOF, they lose control over their behaviors. Just as they begin to spin out of control, we can help by de-escalating the situation and bring their world back into balance.
When your pre/teen is at the peak of the escalation cycle, their brain function is in full survival mode or the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. Meaning their reasoning skills are not fully functioning. Therefore, you must first regulate your emotions, modeling calmness through your breathing, non-verbal expressions, your tone of voice, positive self-talk, and then, when you are ready, engage. The more upset your pre/teen becomes, the calmer you need to become. Remember, at this point, your pre/teen is not ready for a teachable moment, they just need you to help maintain a safe environment for them.
Using the 5 steps to de-escalate emotions can help your pre/teen learn to recognize and address their emotions.
- Give them a moment to cool down so that together you can help them regain control.
- Next, get on their level physically. Try to be at their eye level, so if they are sitting, sit near them, while still giving them personal space.
- Listen to what the issue is and what their concerns are.
- Acknowledge their feelings without judgment of right or wrong. Just listen and validate their emotions so that they feel heard and understood.
- Don’t go directly into problem-solving mode. It takes time for a person to reach the recovery stage of the escalation cycle to where they can once again think critically. Stay present with them until they feel stable and ready to redirect their focus to identify what lead up to the escalation event. Brainstorm solutions, weigh the pros and cons, and then, together, create a plan of action toward correcting the problem.
When your child is amid spinning out of control, it can be difficult to not spin with them. Using the basic steps of first regulating your own emotions and modeling appropriate emotional regulation helps to set the stage for successfully de-escalating any situation. Remember these 5 actions: Let them cool down, Get on their level, Listen to their concerns, Acknowledge their feelings, and don’t jump to problem-solving before they are ready. In a perfect world, our kids would always be able to express their emotions in a healthy way, but life isn’t perfect, so knowing the basics of de-escalation is a good idea…just in case.
The next time you find yourself in an emotionally intense situation, practice regulating your own emotions through calming breaths, positive self-talk, and being aware of your non-verbal expressions.
Written by: Roseanne Scammahorn, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Darke County.
Reviewed by: Heather Reister, Family and Consumer Sciences Educator, Ohio State University Extension, Butler County.
Sources:
Bates, D. (2021). Six ways to de-escalate a heated argument; Before you do irrevocable damage, de-escalate. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mental-health-nerd/202101/6-ways-de-escalate-heated-argument
Colvin, G. & Sugai, G. (1989). Managing escalated behavior. Eugene, OR: Behavior Associates.
Day, N. (2022). Eighteen effective de-escalation strategies for defusing meltdowns. Retrieved from https://hes-extraordinary.com/de-escalation-techniques
McLean, Harvard Medical School Affiliate, (2020). 4 Ways to Help Children Manage Emotions. Retrieved from https://www.mcleanhospital.org/essential/4-ways-help-children-manage-emotions
Taylor, M. (2022). What does fight, flight, freeze, fawn mean? WebMD. Retrieved from https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-does-fight-flight-freeze-fawn-mean#:~:text=The%20fight%20response%20is%20your,please%20someone%20to%20avoid%20conflict.
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